As a Love, Relationship, and Sensuality Coach, I not only do a ton of healing work around sexuality and mindset with my clients, but I also do it on myself continuously! A core area of interest I hold is in how our SUBCONSCIOUS memories, beliefs, and feelings truly control everything.
I'm mean, honestly… our conscious mind is only functioning about 5% of the time, so if we are only CONSCIOUSLY trying to change and heal the issues in our lives and our relationships, we're only going to get 5% success!
No… we've got to get into that other 95%! But... how?
It begins with a willingness to dare peek into that deep, dark abyss of the mind to curiously explore your OWN beliefs, memories, and feelings about your sexuality, relationships, and experiences all around.
Take a moment to ask yourself what your most nasty and painful beliefs are about yourself in regards to sex, relationships, intimacy. What are your habits? What is your inner chatter when you find yourself in intimate situations?
I don't want the “Airy Fairy Happy” ones, I want the gross ones that you may not even realize you have! The ones that make you want to throw up as soon as you discover them and consider sharing them. The ones that most people wouldn't want to admit... But also the ones that are throwing the greatest wrench in the gears of your orgasmic and relationship greatness!
We've all got them wiggling around in the deep recesses of our mind, and I'm willing to share a few of mine that I've had to do a LOT of healing work around. So here goes:
My pleasure is not a priority. Not to him, not to me. It's just a by product sometimes- if I'm lucky.
Sex is an obligation, and my duty is to please my partner whether I'm in the mood or not. Always his needs first.
I shouldn't communicate my desires and request because they're not going to be met anyway. Past experience proved me right often enough.
There's no reason to even get excited about sex, because it's going to be over before I'm even warmed up. So I'll just save myself the disappointment and not even come into my body or try to get into it.
I lost my libido as a newlywed 19yr old, it disappears easily when I'm stressed even still. My sex is broken and my body is a betrayer, I don't trust it.
My sexual pleasure is an inconvenience, not a gift. I have years of proof!
I could throw a few more out there, but maybe that'll get your thinking pot stirred!
Once you've gotten a good look at your CONSCIOUS beliefs and patterns, you can next be curious about how you're playing them out in life and love with your SUBCONSIOUS habits.
Following my share from above, one way I kept those habits going was to make sure I wasn't communicating with my partner. It's pretty fucked up, actually, because my lack of communication meant he was always playing a guessing game with me and that means we BOTH lost more often than not.
Another way I kept these alive was to self-shame and beat myself up if I wasn't in the mood OR I'd make myself have sex anyway knowing I wasn't in a good state of mind.
I never needed a partner to treat me badly, I did it to myself.
I looked for proof of my "brokenness" in every place I looked and made sure I found ways to make it true. I didn't really give myself --or my partner-- the option for happy, healthy, communicative intimacy and it's sad to reflect back on, but I'm grateful I was able to have and overcome those experiences so I can share them here with you.
Once you've curiously reflected and observed, pick one or two small shifts you feel you could make next time you find yourself acting out these habits.
For me, I forced myself to begin communicating AFTER the fact --even if I wasn't able to do so beforehand or in the moment. I would write my thoughts and feelings out and email them to my partner once I had a bit of distance from them. I'd tell him what I'd WANTED to do or say and simply couldn't. I also told him what my signs and tells were so he could begin looking for them to call me out in the moment. Over time, he was able to become my ally and helper to coax me into expression and openness when I couldn't do it on my own.
I also started reflecting on whether or not the stories I told myself (and others) were TRUE in fact or simply in interpretation. Boy was that a harsh eye-opener! I'd hear myself say/think something like "he doesn't care" and would pause and question it only to find that it was simply MY chosen view-point. When I began asking my partner HIS intended meaning, I found I was wrong 75% of the time. Ouch! He wasn't the monster, *I* was.
Another small change was to begin making myself more of a priority in my own daily actions than I had been. It's been a long established habit of mind to self-sacrifice --even when no one asked, and that change started with me, myself, and I.
These small actions took mere seconds to begin putting into action and they changed my whole world over time! What small changes might YOU be able to play around with?
If you'd like some help navigating your mindset, habits, and actions around love and intimacy, visit my booking page to schedule a session!
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