"I don't know how to tell my lover what I want...
I feel like he'll just ignore me anyway... So why bother saying anything at all?" Her voice was defeated, her shoulders slumped and hard as her body expressed the heavy tension coiled within. "It's always been my experience with men. They want sex, but it's always on their terms, for their pleasure. So why voice mine?"
"But is it?" I nudged, knowing what sits on the surface is often nothing compared to what's really underneath. "Have you ever truly had a blunt, open conversation about this?
Have you let yourself be vulnerable enough to share this?"
"Well... No. But he never asks me what I want! So that means he doesn't want to know." She resisted.
"So you've never given him the chance to hear your desires, you've never voiced them, but you know he doesn't give a flying fuck, right?" I chuckled. "Makes sense..." She caught my teasing and I saw her shift and soften.
"Ok... I get what you're saying... But I've always felt like I'd get turned down if I ever shared them." She picked at her shirt absently.
"Where's the proof?" I dug in a little.
"My whole life!" She laughed and proceeded to rattle off a list of all the ways she's felt invisible, rejected, and like the last priority to the people in her life. Basically, her whole nervous system, belief system, and habit system was conditioned by this message.
As a result, she felt like no one gave a shit, so why try? Why move through the comfort of smallness and silence to move through the pain of vocalizing and expanding into the world for possible rejection?
This is a place we find ourselves at many times in life... And we have two choices. Stay small. Or expand.
"You realize you're sabotaging the very thing you crave. right?" I asked softly, letting the weight of it sink in. "Your lover, your friends, your family, they'll never get a chance to possibly meet and exceed your desires if they never know them."
"But they'll also never get the chance to reject me..." Her brave smile wavered as tears filled her eyes.
Her fear, her desire to avoid rejection... isn't that within us all?
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As a Legendary Love & Primal Pleasure Activator, I have many clients with deep rooted fears and lifetimes of proof keeping them from reaching out and grabbing onto the very things they crave with an ache that sets their soul on fire!
Most of these sabotaging pleasure blockers sit in our SUBCONSCIOUS memories, beliefs, and feelings. That's why they feel so fucking unshakable! That's why it seems like they truly control everything.
Because they sort of DO.
That's also why when we come at these problems with a logical/conscious mind, we can talk ourselves blue in the face, but rarely do we get the powerful and lasting shift we're looking for.
I'm mean, honestly… our conscious mind is only functioning about 5% of the time, so if we are only CONSCIOUSLY trying to change and heal the issues in our lives and our relationships, we're only going to get 5% success! 🤤
Fuck me, right?
No… it's shift-able! We've just got to get into that other 95% of life altering power!
Yes, I hear your thoughts from here... "That's nice and all, Tabitha, but HOW?"
Good question!
It All Starts On The Inside
It takes a raw, vulnerable, and willing soul to dare peek into that deep, dark abyss of the mind...
To step into worlds of emotion, sensation, activation, and reactivity to muck through the mess and find the magic!
But my wonderful friends, that's exactly where the magic sits.
So here's what I'd love for you to do!
Set aside a few minutes to turn off all distractions, grab a pen and paper, and start sinking into your OWN beliefs, memories, and feelings about your sexuality and sensuality.
Take a moment to ask yourself what your most nasty and painful beliefs are about yourself in regards to sex.
I don't want the “Airy Fairy Happy” ones, I want the gross ones that you may not even realize you have!
I want the ones that make you want to throw up as soon as you discover them and consider sharing them.
I want the ones that most people wouldn't want to admit... But also the ones that are throwing the greatest wrench in the gears of your orgasmic greatness!
We've all got them wiggling around in the Deep recesses of our mind, and I'm willing to share a few of mine that I've had to do a LOT of healing work around! (Eeee, scary! 😨)
So here goes:
“My pleasure is not a priority. Not to him, not to me. It's just a by product sometimes- if I'm lucky."
“Sex is an obligation, and my duty is to please my partner whether I'm in the mood or not. Always his needs first.”
“I shouldn't communicate my desires and request because they're not going to be met anyway. Past experience proved me right often enough.”
“There's no reason to even get excited about sex, because it's going to be over before I'm even warmed up. So I'll just save myself the disappointment and not even come into my body or try to get into it.”
“I lost my libido as a newlywed 19yr old, it disappears easily when I'm stressed even still. My sex is broken and my body is a betrayer, I don't trust it.”
“My sexual pleasure is an inconvenience, not a gift. I have years of proof!”
I could throw a few more out there, but maybe that'll get your thinking pot stirred! 😊
Give yourself 5-10 minutes to simply write a running stream of whatever comes up.
Don't let this be crazy and intimidating. Shifting these patterns and beliefs takes time, yes... But it's totally doable! I do it with my amazing clients every day!
That's a juicy starting place!
From there, start observing all the ways those patterns and beliefs are impacting your life. Make a list of those as well if you like! I'll be sharing more tips and tricks for shifting this un-sexy mess into deeply sexy magic in coming posts!
So if this is hitting your sweet spot, upvote, comment, and share! kiss kiss
Chat with you soon! Your Primal Pleasure Activator, Tabitha 😍😍😍